When we first start dating someone new it can be easy to fall into the familiar trap of being blinded to the things we do not want to hear. Maybe the person says they do not want a relationship, maybe they say they do not know what they want, maybe they have a fear of commitment, but whatever the case may be, you need to HEAR IT. Rather than choosing to ignore a statement, it is important to hear it, listen to it, and remain mindful of our actions moving forward. It may feel as if the other person is now taking control of the outcome of your love life, but really you are the empowered one. Remember, that if you stay true to yourself, state what you want, and accept nothing less, you are the one in control of your own destiny. Do not let another person’s fears bring you down or get in the way of you having what your heart desires because it is really up to you. You have the power and you need to remain self-empowered to walk away from a situation that does not serve your highest good.
Lets back track…. What really is the fear of commitment?
Is the fear of commitment fundamentally the same as the fear of abandonment? I think they are similar variations of a deep-rooted fear of intimacy and vulnerability, but a fear of commitment may involve a fear of sacrifice or loss of freedom of self, whereas a fear of abandonment may come after a commitment has been made. For those with a fear of abandonment, the whole idea of commitment falls on shaky ground. Commitment does not ever feel secure enough to fulfill the deep-rooted desire to be loved unconditionally and accepted for our authentic selves.
Ask yourself these questions to assess and explore how to control your own ambivalence:
What are the ways you make inappropriate or unrealistic commitments?
What is the point in a relationship at which you are most likely to panic and run?
What ways do you scare yourself by moving ahead too quickly?
What are some expectations you have that will ultimately make you want to bolt and run away?
What are your commitment fantasies?
How do you respond to someone else’s fantasies?
What ways are your responses so immediate and so intense that they might make a potential mate feel trapped?
In what ways might you distance partners by constructing boundaries?
How do you fail to erect reasonable boundaries?
What are the ways your ambivalence may be acted out in the non-romantic areas of your life?
Let me know how the fear of commitment shows up for you in your life!
It is the most liberating and empowering feeling to be so aware of the types of mistakes you know you will no longer make. When you finally build up the courage to stand up for yourself and know when someone is crossing your boundary that it is not right and that it doesn’t sit well with you is how you know you are changing. Once you see the after effects of doing so, you will see how much greater value that action holds over allowing someone to take full advantage of you for instant and temporary satisfaction. It can feel safer and more “comfortable”- there is that term again- when you choose to go along with what someone else is ‘ok’ with.
However, it is only making things work for THEM and not you.
Since when are you not important too? When is it not enough for you to have your own voice and beliefs?
Once you establish what you know inside is how you will allow others to treat you, you can start having the utmost respect for yourself. There really is love all around. Love is always there lurking around and it is only when we can see clearly about who we are and what kind of life we want to lead that love can fully come welcomed through our door. The energy you create around you has an aura affect on others.
Synopsis: “The Carrie Diaries” is a new series that airs on the CW. It is considered to be a pre-quel to “Sex and the City.” This show takes place in 1984 when Carrie was just an innocent sixteen-year-old girl struggling to overcome her mother’s recent death. She goes back and forth from an internship in New York City to her home in suburban Connecticut striving to find out who she is and her purpose in life.
This conversation scene between Carrie and her friend Maggie immediately got my attention:
Maggie: “Yes Walt and I are back together and you know why, because I’m gone. That’s the only way to make a guy interested is to make yourself unavailable. That’s what you should do with Sebastian.”
Carrie: “But I don’t want to play games with Sebastian.”
Maggie: “Then I hope you’re willing to lose.”
What are these games we play? Is this what the strategy toward attraction and gaining attention has come down to? Sometimes it is important to distance yourself from a situation you find drawing you in. Mostly, this may act as a protection seal on your vulnerability. On the other hand, this distance may create a boundary- a type of block keeping you from what your goal may really be. Carrie, unsure if believing her friend was the right thing to do, hesitated in playing this game. Is this really the right or effective way to get the guy’s attention of whom she wanted to be with? There may be a time for this “game” and a time where it all needs to end. In the beginning this “chase” may seem to be the way to capture and manifest this new spark, but later on you must drop these games in order to feel and gain security. Honesty is a big part of a successful relationship and if games are involved it may lead to certain drawbacks in communication. As humans, we behave and react the best when we know we are being given a reward after a struggle. When we are faced with something we know we can’t have, shouldn’t have or struggled to obtain we find the end prize that much more appealing. This social psychological approach has been examined through studies on positive reinforcement and other theories in sociology concerning the pursuit of rewards. This may deem to be true, but to what extent do we engage in this game until we actually reach the level of satisfaction we desire? The problem may arise, however, when both parties are attempting this game simultaneously. If a girl distances herself to come off as a higher commodity, and the boy is doing the exact same thing, this approach may serve just the opposite purpose. Therefore, the expression, “two can play at this game,” does not seem to fit in this situation. While playing this game of unavailability may work temporarily, eventually it is crucial to express true feelings for another and aim for honesty. In the end, if we actually want a relationship to work, we need to have trust in another person. More importantly, we need to remember to trust ourselves first. It can be scary to trust ourselves living in a world where each day may bring a scary unknown event to life, but if we do not take that risk we will never know what could have been. In order to achieve true happiness we must be ready to take that chance on ourselves. After all, being able to love, trust, and really know yourself takes priority over a relationship for two.